The Immense Good of Eczema Herpeticum (An Update)

Something happened after I got Eczema Herpeticum, in exactly this order:  

1. I started to feel really sorry for myself.  You can see it in a couple of my videos.
2. It scared the shit out of me, especially when I found out that it could reoccur.
3. It made me mad!

This obviously didn't happen within a 24 hour period. It was a process that occurred over months. 

Feeling sorry isn't really Step 1 of this process because I had already been doing that for quite some time, pretty successfully on my own.  I focused in on my eczema like a sniper.  I mean really.  It was rare that someone would come up to me and point to my eczema out and announce it to a crowd like I was a sideshow.  In fact, this never happened.  Not in my adult life anyway.  Maybe it happened when I was a kid, but it's been a long time since then. Focusing all my energy and attention on my eczema was all me, all the time. And as a result, I led everyone around me by example, and helped them focus on my eczema issues, even when they weren't.  

Having Eczema Herpeticum was the start of a big change for me. It scared me that I was more likely to have it again, after having it once.  That August in 2010 when I first had it, I cried. And cried. And cried.  The day I went to the hospital for the 3rd time, I whispered to my husband, "I'm sorry but I can't live like this.  I can't be ugly and disgusting.  I'm so sad." I did get better, as you know.  The EH did clear up in a couple of weeks.

And when it did clear up my sadness turned into anger.  Why was I stressed and itchy and ashamed and hopeless while nice-skinned people around me had the nerve to wear shorts and short sleeves?!  Damn them! Damn me and my eczema!  Knowing that stress was a huge trigger for my eczema and desperately wanting to prevent an EH recurrence, I made a pact to take charge for good.

I am happy to say that I have not had a recurrence of EH.  I have not ever taken the prescription of Valtrex given to me nor have I needed to. I have also weaned myself off those topical steroids prescribed to me by every doctor.  80% of my eczema has cleared up. And if you remember, I described having a bodysuit of eczema covering me.  

Yes, I could have just got lucky with all of this.  Or maybe the change in my lifestyle, self-perception and attitude is really a huge factor in clearing up my eczema.

All I know is that I feel better and I do things now that I would have never tried 2 years ago.  And I love it!

A letter to you

Eczema vs. Funhouse Mirrors

My eczema is like a funhouse mirror. 

It totally distorts my perception of how I see myself. I look up close and my features spread 3 inches wider. I step back and my waist expands 20 inches. I step back further and now I'm a 3 foot tall OompaLoompa. The only difference is that I know the OompaLoompa staring back at me is just a grossly manipulated version of how I really look and myany times, my eczema will not let me see myself in a normal mirror, in flattering light, at my best angle. 

First, I have a love/hate relationship with mirrors. I need them to see examine new and old patches of scaly, red skin, but I hate them because they show me what I don't want to see. Secondly, my flattering light? Dim. Or even better, dark. My best angle? The back of my head, of course, with my hair down (eczema on the back of the neck, you know).

Sometimes I'll look at past pictures of myself, like this weekend, on Facebook.  I like to see the progression or regression of my eczema over the years.  I should have a frame for every stage I go through, like they have for your kids.  You know, like those frames that have one for each grade, so you see how they're grown? 

I saw a picture from four years ago, from when I went out with my girlfriends for my Stagette (a.k.a. Bachelorette or Hen Party). I remember being so self-conscious about going out that night. I was agonizing over what I would wear to hide my eczema. I worried that my face be flaky by 1 a.m. and I wouldn't be close to any of my moisturizers that I didn't carry with me, because that would be awkward to carry while you're dancing, wouldn't it?  

Also, I knew the bouncer would check my purse at the club doors, and I didn't want him to see anything embarrassing or revealing about my personal hygiene.  Why, I could never dance there again if that happened.  Passing out shit-faced on the dance floor is totally okay, but to have the bouncer see a jar of Vaseline in your purse?  Completely unacceptable.

Anyway. 

I look at that picture now and think I looked great compared to now.  What was I so worried about?  Ironically, back then, there were plenty of times that I let my self-consciousness rule my world.  I would turn down getting together with friends and going out because I thought I looked like a freak.  I would get myself so depressed and so focused on my negative self-perception. 

When I feel self-conscious or feel myself slipping into "negatism", as my aunt calls it, I try to remember that I can stop looking at myself in the funhouse mirror and just go enjoy myself. 

Besides, my eczema funhouse mirror? Not so fun.