Is it possible to not be anonymous and share complete honesty, even when it's ugly?
Yes. It's possible when you're aging rock star and your drug-induced, alcoholic, sex-filled past is testament to the fact that you are a rock 'n' roll legend. You're probably the producer of your autobiographical movie. Good for you.
No. It's not possible when you're an average woman living an un-rock 'n' roll life with supportive family and friends, and your biggest complaint is that you have eczema.
I know, I know(and you know), there are so many much worse things that could be wrong in life. I know I should just deal with it and count my blessings. Besides, it's on the inside that counts anyway.
But. Let's be honest for one, hot minute shall we? How many times has your public face acted like nothing was wrong? Meanwhile, your private face is paranoid that Bobby or Patsy is staring at your red scaly face (or whatever body part) and silently going, "EWWW. That better not be friggin' contagious cuz I do not want that!" No one wants to be ewww'ed right? And, you just keep on movin' through the day pretending to yourself that you're brave and not shallow enough to be worried about a stupid skin condition. Really??
No one, but me and this laptop, know what the real truth is. The real truth is there have been times when I stared at my naked image in the mirror and ewww'ed myself silently, but loudly in my head. But it's just eczema. There have been times when I have cried alone so hard. But it's just eczema.
There was a time I desperately wanted to back out of being my best friend, Lisa's bridesmaid, because I was so ashamed. But it's just eczema. How could she understand the shame I felt? The shame in seriously considering backing out and the shame of being ashamed? So what did I do? I put on my public face and sprinted as fast as one could possibly go during the wedding march, down the church aisle, in my hated strapless dress, pretending nothing was wrong and that no one was staring and wondering.
My public face is a big, fat liar. She's a lovely girl. After all, I was taught manners, tact, and selflessness. You know, do unto others and that whole thing.
My private, anonymous face is a bold, sometimes ugly, but completely honest. Her story (the entire truth about how I feel) needs to be vomited up, like getting rancid meat out of my system. As you know, vomit is not pretty to look at, nor does it smell to great. But, it does make you feel so much better after you get it out of your system.
Wow, I felt a lot of things reading this post. I didn't get taunted in childhood as it was never that bad back then (was worse as a baby/toddler) but my cousin did, everyone would say he looks like he'd been burned etc. Very traumatic.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate with the feeling that people are there looking at your skin, judging, feeling the scorn, like two eyes burning on your back as you walk past, people looking and scrutinising your skin.
Lately though, as it's healing in the summer, I try my best to expose my skin, not only because the sun helps but because I just can't wear these long sleeved clothes anymore! I say a big F.YOU to 'em Mind you, if I'm in a place where I have to stand for long, I always have my shrug, I can't help it! But the people around you will ask not to worry about it, it's fine, but they are not in your skin (pun intended) another 'they just don't get it' ism to add to the list huh!?
Sorry for going off on a tangent, but your blogs are just so dear to my heart, and although I know there is a lot of emotional anguish and pain, it helps LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE that someone knows where I'm coming from and has the same insecurities and realities that come along with having eczema.
Much love to you, as always. Char (angelsdilemma)
x
Soooooooo true. It makes me chuckle when I feel myself doing it: you know, when somebody asks a question or makes a comment, and you know it is because they actually care.
ReplyDeleteAnd instead of the truth you give them the version you want them to hear. Which is normally something like "I'm working on it" or "You should have seen it last week."
When the sad truth is that actually you kinda want to be honest, but "Thanks for asking. I'm at the end of my tether, nothing helps, I can't even keep it just slightly out of control anymore, I can't stand the person it has turned me into, I resent everybody that looks normal or has the temerity to dare to smile and I can't take it anymore. But on the bright side I'm actually sleeping for the first time in 3 years. But only because of a not so mild case of alcohol abuse. So, all good then.
Well, what would be the point. In 34 years I have only ever known one person who understands what I mean if I say "You know that feeling when all you want to do is take a beltsander to your face...."
That person is of course me. So nobody ever gets the truth. Well, it turns out I hardly know me at all, so why should anybody else.