Yes, I am guilty.
I am one of those women who flocked to go see Sex and the City with six of my girlfriends last night. I could have done better things with my night. Girls, just wait til the DVD comes out. Really.
I met two of my friends, Lisa and Chantal in front of the theater. A few of the girls went to dinner before, but I couldn't go. Lisa is one of my best friends. She told me two weeks ago that she's pregnant. I felt special that I knew before everyone else. Lisa walks up the sidewalk to me, smiles at me knowingly, and says, "Hey. What's new with you?" I look down at my cream tank top which is stretching over my muffin top tummy and reply, "I've been eating South St. burgers almost every second day for the last while because I was so depressed with my job. So now, I've gained some weight. How are you?" That's the same as saying, nothing much how about you...right? "I told the girls the news - that I'm pregnant." Lisa confides in me. Oh. My news by comparison is, not only really random and strange, but now really really stupid.
I totally missed her hint when she greeted me. I am a self-centered bitch. Good thing we've been friends forever. She gets me. Maybe not this time, but oh well.
I was so self-conscious, that I introduced my physical flaw to her like it was an important guest at our Girls Night Out. Yup, that's right. My announcement about my physical insecurities trumps your baby news, Lisa. Oh God, she's not gonna call me on my birthday. I hate when I don't at least get a phone call on my birthday.
It's just that I carefully chose jeans and a long-sleeve cardigan to cover up my arms and legs on this warm summer-like evening. Then, I had to find a tank top loose enough to hide my weight gain and too-tight waistband of my jeans. I had to lie down on my bed to do them up, like it's 1984 and I'm wearing tight acid-wash jeans. They're so tight, they cut into my belly. I can't breathe and it itches at the waistband. So, to make myself comfortable, through this 2 hour and 25 minute Sex and the City glorified episode, I pull the top of the jeans over my paunch, like an eighty year old, toothless man.
Not pretty. Not pretty at all. Pass the popcorn and M&Ms please.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny
Summer is here. Almost here. Time to get my bikini outta the closet. Yeaaaaahhh sure.
I wore a bikini twice. Once, in the privacy of my own home. Second, when I was having a really good year relatively eczema-free and working out a lot. It was in a hot tub, with my future husband. Brave huh? Not really. I had every single movement planned in advance to this should-be fun, spontaneous moment.
We were staying at my parents' condo and they had a hot tub. It closed at like 10 p.m. or something like that. I planned it so we went at 9:30 p.m. This way it would be dim and most likely, we would be the only people there.
I made sure he went in first. I came out of the change room and basically scurried across the slippery tile and hopped in. The water covered me from the top of my chest down. With the weird watery effects and tub lighting, my bikini which was blue, shone like the obnoxious blue neon lighting under fast cars driven by men with small dicks. He was drunk and horny and was looking at me through beer goggles. Mission accomplished. I win.
Problem was though, that Pink and her boyfriend showed up (not really Pink.. she just reminded me of her). They were, for real, being spontaneous about coming to the hot tub. I hated them. I hated her. She had the skin of Snow White or how I imagine Snow White's skin to be. Smooth, soft, clear, tattoos.
I was freaking out on the inside. How long are they staying here? Should we leave first? If we leave first, I have to get out and expose my body to them. Oh shit. Had those big ol eczema patches on the back of my knees completely faded?! I'll get out and Pink will point and laugh in her low, sultry smoker hack. I submerged myself even further down into the bubbling water.
"The water's not that hot, is it?" caws Pink. Huh? Me? I thought I had successfully made myself invisible. Damn blue bikini gave me away. "Uhh hehe yeah a little bit, I guess." I stammer just above the water bubbles at my chin. Did you know when your earlobes touch the surface of the water, those bubbles are pretty darn loud? Deafening really. "It's too cold for me. Let's go hun." Hun follows her out of the hot tub and into the darkness. I am saved.
I wore a bikini twice. Once, in the privacy of my own home. Second, when I was having a really good year relatively eczema-free and working out a lot. It was in a hot tub, with my future husband. Brave huh? Not really. I had every single movement planned in advance to this should-be fun, spontaneous moment.
We were staying at my parents' condo and they had a hot tub. It closed at like 10 p.m. or something like that. I planned it so we went at 9:30 p.m. This way it would be dim and most likely, we would be the only people there.
I made sure he went in first. I came out of the change room and basically scurried across the slippery tile and hopped in. The water covered me from the top of my chest down. With the weird watery effects and tub lighting, my bikini which was blue, shone like the obnoxious blue neon lighting under fast cars driven by men with small dicks. He was drunk and horny and was looking at me through beer goggles. Mission accomplished. I win.
Problem was though, that Pink and her boyfriend showed up (not really Pink.. she just reminded me of her). They were, for real, being spontaneous about coming to the hot tub. I hated them. I hated her. She had the skin of Snow White or how I imagine Snow White's skin to be. Smooth, soft, clear, tattoos.
I was freaking out on the inside. How long are they staying here? Should we leave first? If we leave first, I have to get out and expose my body to them. Oh shit. Had those big ol eczema patches on the back of my knees completely faded?! I'll get out and Pink will point and laugh in her low, sultry smoker hack. I submerged myself even further down into the bubbling water.
"The water's not that hot, is it?" caws Pink. Huh? Me? I thought I had successfully made myself invisible. Damn blue bikini gave me away. "Uhh hehe yeah a little bit, I guess." I stammer just above the water bubbles at my chin. Did you know when your earlobes touch the surface of the water, those bubbles are pretty darn loud? Deafening really. "It's too cold for me. Let's go hun." Hun follows her out of the hot tub and into the darkness. I am saved.
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