Eczema Sufferer's Guide to Holiday Eating (Not)

My friend, Alice, called me on Sunday.  She was driving to work and talking on one of those car speaker phone thingies.  It was cutting in and out for the first minute of our conversation. I was cooking dinner when I picked up the phone, " Hello?"

No answer, just static.

I know it's Alice, so I try again, "Hello?"

Then rising out of the static, "Hello? Can ear now??"

Sigh.  "Alice? I can barely hear you."

"HELLLLOOOO??!!"  Ouch. Yup, Loud and clear now.

Then Alice "complained" about all the holiday get-togethers she had to attend over the next few weeks.  "I have something to go to every weekend.  I even have something on a Thursday."  I joking explained,  "That's the price you pay for being a social butterfly."

Dinner or any kind of social event that involves food stresses me out a little.  The alcohol, the food intolerences, the post-holiday flare up.  I always promise myself before an event, that I will be good about my food choices.  I am in control.

I am in control getting ready for the event, on the way there and, many times, up to the first plate of appetizers. I drink water and load my plate up at the vegetable tray.  As I crunch on my baby carrots, no dip, I faintly hear begging.  I stop crunching, to get a better listen.

"Come on, please.  It's the holidays.  How often do you indulge?"  It's my damned, inner voice.  I pick a broccoli and start crunching to drown out the persistent voice.  Broccoli may be a good source of vitamins C and K, but it's leaving me open for a TKO.  "One glass of wine won't hurt. Just drink lots of water after. Ohhh and that filo pastry thingy with the cheese.  It smells so good.  Did you notice what they have for dessert?  Cheesecake.  And pie.  And brownies!"  My inner voice already sounds giddy and drunk on just the thought of eating all these things.

My inner voice has a point.  It is the holidays.  Time for celebration. I'll indulge responsibly.  I have glass of red wine.  Lots of antioxidants.  No problem.  I take a filo pastry thingy with cheese because what's-her-face made them.  It would be rude not to try them.  I take three off them instead, to show her how much I appreciate her effort.  Ohhh, that is cheesy.  I wash it down with another glass of wine.  At dinner, it seems so inappropriate to refuse more wine with my meal.  When I empty my glass, it's refilled magically.  Better finish that off too.  Now the desserts!  I have never been able to resist dessert of any kind.  I get weak in my knees and my mouth starts to water.  

Now this is a celebration!" my inner voice exclaims. She's giggling madly, as I lift a forkful of cheesecake to my mouth.

60 Seconds of Gratitude

Today, I am going to take a cue from the  365 Days of Gratitude Photoblog.  Obviously I am a wee bit positivity-challenged.  I don't like to use the word handicapped or complainer because they're such negative words, aren't they?  Besides, it's a good place for me to start -- at my pessimistic self-labelling-- practicing optimism.

I don't know why or when Negativity decided I was her best friend.  She's a total drag.  She never offers to help, never has anything good to say and she's sooo loud, that I can't hear myself think.  And, between you and me, she has the worst hygiene and eating habits (so embarrassing!)

I'm going to list everything I'm grateful for in 60 seconds.  It'll be interesting to see a) how many things I am unaware of, that I really am grateful for b) how fast I can type.

Ready....

1. Reality TV
2. Jersey Shore
3. my  husband
4. my son
5. my curly hair
6. my ability to laugh uncontrollably once I get started
7. for cake
8. for Japanese food
9. for shoes

Hmmm, interesting (My husband teases me when I say this.  I say it a lot).

Observations...

• Nine things!  I honestly didn't think I'd be able to come up with that many.
• It's funny that numbers 1 and 2 are listed before numbers 3 and 4.  It's so funny, I'm gonna number 6.
• In my mind, numbers 1 and 2 are different things.
• I would have tried too hard at this exercise, if I didn't give myself the scant time limit. 
• This list is amusing and does actually make me feel better
• Now, I have a craving for number 7 and number 8
• I need to practice my typing.

Ay Ay Cap'n (Crunch)

It's 2:20 a.m. and I'm not sleepy.  I am, however, hungry.  For something sugary.

Did I mention that I'm trying to avoid sugar for the sake of clearing up my eczema?  It's like picking one bad boyfriend over another.  They both treat me like dirt, but one of them is at least way better looking.

I was oh so bad, but it felt so good at the time, last week.  I made myself two pieces of toast and butter almost every night.  I was sick (again) with a cold and I was a little down. I've been pretty good for the last month, eating healthy, unprocessed food and working out regularly.  I'll get back on track. It's just toast!

But toast doesn't have the same comforting quality as sugar.  I wonder why.  Toast is somewhat comforting, like a comfy blanket on a cold night.

Sugar though, is like a warm, glowing fireplace, with a cup of hot chocolate, with that same blanket wrapped around you, with Mr. Right cuddling with you.  Who doesn't want that? So, I sprinkled sugar on my toast.

Hmm..veggies or sugary cereal?

Right now though, my naughty 2 a.m. indulgence is Mr. Right Tonight.

Actually, it's morning and he's a Captain.  Cap'n Crunch.

What can I say?  I can't resist a man in uniform.

Ups and Downs

Is it me or do I seem to be more of an emotional yo-yo than everyone else I know?  Can I attribute my yo-yoness directly to my eczema or am I just using my eczema as some kind of excuse for my frequent, extreme range of emotion, mood and confidence?

Even when my skin is as clear as my skin can be, I struggle with my self-worth, confidence and bad emotions (which would be my unwanted bffs, anger and sadness).  Hurt people hurt people is so cliche, but many times, for me, it is exactly appropriate in summing up how I treat myself and other people.  Even the corniness of the words suits the ridiculousness of my motives.

I am a bitch to family, friends and strangers just because I am feeling bad. Here's a secret though, that I am ashamed of, and ironically makes me act bitchier.  I am going to tell you and I hope we can still be friends after and you won't hate me.  When I am feeling low, a big part of my hurting others comes from a resentment and an envy of the problems I think they don't have.  I know. I know.  Everyone has problems, I'm being a selfish brat and it's absolutely no excuse to be Queen Bitch, but that's why it's my secret.

Do you hate me now?  Funny thing is if you do, I will be devastated.  Yes the bitch gets her feelings hurt very easily.  The tears of a clown.  I hate clowns.

So why am I whispering my deep dark truths to you in this virtual confessional booth?  Because I want someone or something to assign me the 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers to make me okay.  I want that miraculous or magical antidote to instantaneously cleanse me of my bad thoughts, feelings and behaviour.  It's easier and quicker than repairing myself through my own devices.

A quick fix helps me to keep denying the hardest truth of all.  I am responsible for and have control over the way I choose to look at and treat myself and others.  I am choosing to be a bitch.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually who are we not to be?.....

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.....

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And when we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

Paranoia

as defined on Dictionary.com .......

1. Psychiatry . a mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission
2. baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.

This doesn't seem to be an attractive picture painted by a reference that millions would consult to find meaning.  I'm taking this personally.

Great. Maybe I am paranoid.  

Okay.  Let's break this down.  Definition number one.  "A mental disorder..."  That's a little harsh.  Everyone has problems don't they? We all suffer from mental disorderly conduct at some time or another.  Right? 

"..characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others"  Do I blame or take out my issues on people who are only supposedly mean and not really mean?  Not all the time.  Maybe sometimes on cashiers and stupid, insensitive strangers. Hey, at least my delusions are "systematized".  That means I'm an organized person, right?

"..sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission" But if you're gonna get hurt, at least be the first one to do the hurting. That's what they do in boxing matches.  And they get a belt for it.  The disturbances of consciousness never happens, so that definitely strikes out definition number one.

Definition number two is "baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others."  I resent that.  I just don't have tangible proof of their motives.  It's the way they said it or how they looked at me.  How do you prove that?  They could just lie.

This is a stupid exercise.  

What Came First? The Chicken or the Eczema?

What came first?  The chicken or the egg?

What comes first?  The depression or the eczema?

I don't know.  I heard you're supposed to avoid chicken and egg when you have eczema.  Maybe that's key.

Wish I knew.

Stupid Things People Say... (a continuously updated post)

I have had a lot of stupid things said to me about my eczema by the ignorant and/or tactless.

To be fair,  many comments or questions people direct at me are obviously not meant to offend me....but, many times they do rub me the wrong way.

I can't help it.  I am self-conscious about my skin condition and the last thing I want is someone to direct their full attention--and my attention--to it.  Geez, I spend most of my life trying not to focus on it after all.

Besides, would you say such things to someone who's a paraplegic, who has cancer, who has a lazy eye, who's buck-toothed???!!!! C'mon now folks.

I'm going to start listing the stupid things people say, here.  If you have something to add, please email me or leave a comment below.

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Went to the doctor today, because my eczema is infected.  After writing out a prescription for antibiotics, she stared at me and said, "Wow, it's pretty bad.  Well, your nose looks good."  Gee, thanks doc.

Same doctor's visit as above.  "Maybe you should have a baby, it may clear up your skin."  There's some good advice to share with all teenage girls who have eczema.

"Just stop scratching."  I'm trying too!!!!! Arggghhh

"Are you doing anything about your eczema?"  Uh no, I like it the way it is. I'm always doing something about it dummy!

"Don't touch him!  That's contagious!"  -- Mother to her 4 year old daughter who went to the same daycare as my son, who had eczema.  She knew he had eczema and claimed she knew all about it.  I wanted to cry and slap her at the same time.  Clearly, she knew nothing about eczema.

"Your skin looks good...today" -- My aunt, every time she sees me has to give me a brief report on how my skin looks.  Uhh thanks.  How bad does it look every other day that it merits your report on my good days?  

Swimming - Hope Floats

I went swimming yesterday!!!   

At a public pool.  Where there were at least 20 other people. In a bathing suit.

Actually, it wasn't really a bathing suit.  It was a bathing suit tank and my husband's shorts.  I do not own a bathing suit because I never put myself in a situation where I would ever (EVER) wear one.  Why would I want to wear something that exposed most of my skin?  Why can't they still have bathing suits like from the 1920's?  

http://www.fashion-era.com

I'd be a little more okay with beach and pool situations if bathing suits still looked like that.  Just a little more okay.  Not completely okay.

My son, J,  does not know how to swim.  He's been a little afraid of water after a water slide incident when he was about 5 years old. I've put him in swimming lessons three or four different times since "the incident" and he's never made it past the first level.  

J's in ninth grade now and in Phys. Ed., they are doing water polo.  They just started last week.  He tells me on Thursday, he's in the group of boys that don't know how to swim. I can tell he's not crazy about being  in that group, because he tells me, "Even the blind kid in my class can swim."  Not cool, I guess, if even the blind can swim and you can't even float.  So finally, he seems really ready to learn how to swim.  

This is perfect, I think.  We'll go to the public, indoor pool on Sunday.  J can get comfortable in the water and we'll spend inexpensive, quality family time together.  Win-win situation, don't you think?  We don't have to go to the movies and spend $60 (when the hell did we get to the point that we spend $60 for a movie?).  We'll only spend a thrifty $5 total to go swimming,  Also, we don't have to sit at home while my husband, Z, watches football, J plays football on his PS3 and I get annoyed at the fact that they are "doing nothing" and pop a DVD in to watch a chick flick.

"But hold on," warns insecure, alter-ego, Xzema Girl, "Going swimming requires wearing a bathing suit. People will see you." 

"But it's not about me. So shove aside, selfish insecurity" I insist, but not sure if I truly feel that way inside.

I force myself to focus on all the reasons why we're doing this activity:  1) it could be fun  2) J needs to get comfortable in water to learn to swim  3) Swimming can be a life-saving skill  4) our family needs to do something together 5) J has been looking forward to this since I mentioned it on Saturday.

Reasons why not to not do this activity:  1) I feel self-conscious and insecure about being in a bathing suit.  

My little pros and cons lists get me through packing our change of clothes and getting into the car.  In the car, there's no turning back, even if I want to.  When we get to the Community Center pool, there's no snatching the car keys out of my husband's hand and diving into the driver's seat to race home.  That would be a bad example to J.  Why did I suggest this as an activity? We could have went for a fully-clothed walk!

I forcefully re-focus on "why" we're doing this and I get myself to the change room.  I forcefully re-focus again, to get myself out to the pool deck.  "Those boys aren't even out there yet!  I thought girls were supposed to be the ones that took long?!!"  I guess I can't hide behind them now.  I forcefully re-focus again, to walk by myself, to the edge of the pool.  "Who's looking at me?!  People are judging!"

I slide into the safety of the pool.  The water's only up to my waist.  I sink down to cover myself to my neck, but I feel ridiculous pretending I'm 3 feet tall.  I scan the pool area, to confirm that people are staring and pointing at me.  No one's even paying attention to me!  People are actually swimming! The lifeguards are looking bored and daydreaming.  I don't feel safe that they're so spaced out, but what's important is that I don't feel self-conscious anymore. Yes!

We stay at that pool until our fingers wrinkle like prunes, our eyes are red and J teaches himself to float/dog-paddle across the width of the pool. Even Z, who thought swimming in late October --even if it is indoors-- was an insane notion, had fun.

J wants to go again next weekend.  I'm thinking that I to need to buy a bathing suit.  One piece, of course.